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minnesmoker

Anthropophobia, Agoraphobia, and (extreme) Social Anxiety Disorder

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A lot of people mean agoraphobia means a person won't go outside their house, room, etc. While that can (and frequently does) happen, it is not necessarily because they're afraid of walking out the door. It is an anxiety disorder, the same as Anthropophobia - or the fear of society/people. Both are a sub-type of social anxiety, but are not Social Anxiety Disorder, which can lead to those.

 

 

So, why do people get that way? I don't know. Isolation, feeling judged constantly -- especially by those that are supposed to love and be supportive. Exposure to violence in general society, and at home, enforced isolation because of parental beliefs, as a child.

 

There are lots of reasons. And, I just recently have come to realize what my "big mental problem" is. I've given myself Anthropophobia. I've never just made friends -- as a small child that wasn't allowed, as I got older, I had never acquired the skills and felt more isolated. After I got into trouble with the law, I began thinking everyone knew, everyone viewed me as a criminal. When I rocketed up in the computer security industry, it was as a ghost. We didn't have friends, because our job was to realize the basest, most depraved intentions of individuals, and constantly fight their techniques and technology. 

 

Years of institutionalization, and my attempting to fight it, the only way I knew how: by thinking I was better than everyone else around me, that I alone didn't actually deserve to be institutionalized; led to my isolated institutionalization. 

Solitary confinement had a big part. I used to be fine with it. When I was 20, I did 8 months in Solitary. Had the opportunity to read the Q'uran, the Holy Bible, the Torah, and the Talmud. Had the chance to read West Law SE edition, from 1964 through 1992. I had to start a riot -- I'm not down with prison rape or bullying and turning someone out, so I had to step in. It turned into a gang thing. Anyway, it was awesome. I got out, 300 miles away, in a maximum security prison. 

 

When I walk through the mall, I am conspicuous, and I am aware of that. Even if my hair didn't flow half way down my back, and my beard didn't grow in white, making me look like a character out of a Rob Zombie movie, even if my belt buckle wasn't "Mendo purp.," leaves, and my belt didn't say Nor*Cal on it, and even if I didn't wear jeans, tie dyes, and a leather jacket, I'd be conspicuous. I know this, and I think that people look and judge. 

 

I walk funny, pause funny, my arms are lanky and don't quite "fit," I feel that I'm being watched and judged, and disliked for all that I am.

 

I went grocery shopping, and some little kid was asking her mom about my hair. About whether men "can have" long hair, and whether I was was "a funny looking lady with a beard." The lady ignored her kid, not thinking about anything but which low fat yogurt to shovel into her fat saggy tittied, slack-jawed cock trap. 

 

When I sit down to play a game of spades (yeah, you can find people "out here" that play spades, and even bones!) I get asked the same question... The people that you find to play spades are few and far between, and normally have records similar to mine. Anyway, I get asked, frequently "How many people have you killed." Not "Have you..." not "You look like you could have..." But, not "Zero" accepted. The question is straight to the point: "You're a murderer, how many people have you killed." Because I have an expressionless face? Maybe I lost expression because of chronic pain and disappointment? 

 

The problem doesn't "fix itself." I still don't really understand "social conventions," I don't know what is or isn't appropriate to say, and I don't know when my reaction is going to be "over the top." Because I get these flashes of rage, or because I am accustomed to responding in a specific manner. 

 

Realizing that my mentality is suited for only one place makes the situation that much worse. I DON'T WANT to be that way. I don't want to not know how to have "small talk," or how to calmly resolve an issue. I don't want to resort to "well, I can cut the bitch..." And, defaulting to that makes me withdraw more.

 

I am an Anthropophobia, an agoraphobic who only leaves the house when he HAS TO, and who has had a harder and harder time actually leaving. It has gotten to the point where I'll leave at 5:00 in the evening, for something I planned on doing at 9:00 in the morning, because I can always find a little more "to do" around here, even though the anxiety pretty much puts "here" in a chair, in a room that I have set up just like a prison cell. Bed, desk, guitar, foot locker, foot locker for clothes. The differences are: laptop instead of typewriter, pot plants instead of a tree outside the window, and I get to smoke weed and drink beer. 

 

I'm not afraid of people, or society. I'm afraid of my reaction to it, because of my mindset, and because no matter what I've tried, I can't find a way to "unlearn" my life and learn how to meet and trust people, how to have small talk with people...

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the wife had severe agorophobia for a while....couldn't get her outta the house for damn near a year.  Thankfully she has pushed past that. 

 

as hard as it is for the person living it, from experience I know that it's also very hard for those who care about the person in question and for most other ppl who have to witness it. 

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I go thru periods when I just don't want to be out in public. And what's funny I'm a people person and enjoy meeting and conversing with other folks and have an outgoing personality.I just get in this funk and don't want to deal with anyone other than my family. As a matter of fact my family wants to go to a home show in Raleigh today that I know would be fun but I just don't feel like dealing with the croud. I've noticed as I've gotten older those feelings have appeared more frequently. Is something wrong with me or am I just becoming a curmudgeon ?

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I think that being "sick of the crowds" is pretty normal, especially today! The crowd has less respect, is more distracted and pre-occupied, and more self centered, than before. Instant gratification generation. 

 

@joe mac I can imagine how annoying it must be for Diva to deal with it. I can leave the house just fine. Unless it is to go somewhere (especially alone) that has crowds and questions. As long as I've got someone accompanying me, I'm generally OK -- but, that's gotten worse, also.

 

I've never been a "people person," I've always been charismatic and have attracted others to my orbit, but not a people person. I know that I learned a lot of very wrong behavior, ways of expression, coping and confrontation skills, personal boundaries and acceptable social convention, when I was young. It was reinforced by my own behavior, until I dunno. And now, I'm understanding it all, or at least understanding where I have bad or missing skills, and that is the center of my anxiety.

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I hate going out...I do my business and right back home. ...I'm very anti social. Im a hermit

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You have people that you talk to, interact with?

 

That's my biggest problem, I think. I haven't ever really had that -- in prison and business there was forced socialization, but neither was of a healthy nature. Both are incredibly similar, higher in the chain corporate/consulting work and prison. You have handlers, you are given a very strict schedule, both are full of sociopaths trying to one up each other. That isn't how it's supposed to be. 

 

I see everything as black and white. Right or wrong, legal or illegal, moral or immoral. I try not to, but I do. After a lifetime of having to be prepared for physical violence, I've become nothing but a watcher, observing people's actions and intentions. (I can point out the date rapist in the bar, the guy that's stepping out on his wife, the woman who's trying to find "that feeling" again... I see people for intentions and not how they look.) It is not a fun place to be, always seeing people's worst. I can predict who's gonna' cut me off, who's gonna' fly in and tailgate, who's gonna' ignore 7 lanes of traffic to make an illegal left turn... 

 

Now, I'd love to just have some normal friends, not buddy-film, bro-love friends. Just a few people that I can talk to, can go out and have a beer with, or whatever it is normal people do. I don't know what my hobbies are, or what I like. I enjoy playing bass, I'm great at it, same as growing -- anything, not just weed.  I don't really like live venues or crowded places. I see too many potential problems and get very agitated.

 

I've also grown very averse to touch. Not that I'm phobic of germs, or any such. It is just foreign to me. I've gone months with no human contact or interaction, further than a superficial "Hi how was your day..." and then "goodnight." No actual interaction or contact though. 

 

Looking forward, we're working on a plan so that I can get my own little place, and start the cognitive therapy. I've got a couple appointments scheduled, and then (if the car ever gets done) I'll have a bit of time to get away for a couple weeks. The long-term (like 12-24 month) goal is to have me able to work and function again. Because of physical injuries I can't do a lot that I know how to. Finding a new career -- I can't go back to computers, or physical labor -- will be a challenge. My record doesn't make it easier.

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Honestly, I may have 1 or 2 friends. ..maybe...I don't talk to my brother or parents. It's very hard for me to hold a job. Let's put it this way, ima wreck. I also have very different views on things and how the way shit should be. My body is in 2016 but my mind is stuck in 90s

 

I know I know I need help bad. Talking to someone makes me more pissed off though.

Edited by Subistoned
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jeesus its like reading my own life story in this thread,, lol...I feel the same... things got a whole lot worse when I started cash cropping on a larger scale... now I have no friends really, trust no one, not even family,I'm lucky iv got three young kids I see regular to keep me sane otherwise I would of checked out years ago, the football seasons over lol...I think it isn't just us though,i think were the ones that realise it, maybe want to deal with it, our society is entropic socially .. everybody going through the same stuff.... technology opens up more in one way, destroys in another...I see people in bars laughing and having good time with many friends, nicely integrated members of our society and wonder where the hell it all went wrong for me lol 

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Misery loves company...

 

But so does wanting shit to change up.

 

Tilt, I've an idea of what you've dealt with, from our conversations and even heated discussions. Hang yer head high! Just cuz Manchester SUCKS doesn't mean Football's over! You are lucky, having a family, and children. They can help you anchor. 

 

After too much "in the trench" shit, we start to withdraw... Thing about modern tech. and all the social media I hate so much, it puts anyone willing to look, right into the trench. You can see any barbarian act, so long as you have google, and the stomach, for it I used to play 1st person and 3rd person shooters ... It was fun, blowing up almost human shit with your RPG. Now, you can sneak up behind someone and cut their throat, blood and all, in games. Just isn't right. 

 

I don't think that we're really part of the mass. I think the mass is intentionally and willfully blind to the shit that fills life -- and to be honest, not everyone deals with the shit we've gone through, we saw the worst of it, in the military, corporate world, prison, the streets, wherever. We actually saw the cruelty, the violence, and the indifference that humanity is not just capable of, but is centered upon. We're a step apart, for our insight our the shit we saw through life. We are the exceptional exceptions, but have to figure out how to get back. How to be another person, someone that can grocery shop on a Sunday afternoon, or drive in rush hour, without the anger and anxiety.

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I thought this seemed fitting, I love listening to metal, hardcore, grindcore, extreme metal..anything distorted and downtuned..

 

 

 

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yeah...all true minne,jesus sub thats a bit too much for my ears lol....i am glad my tablet will not allow me to like anything...lol

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oh,i didn't literally mean the football seasons over lol,thats what hunter Thompson wrote on his suicide note lol....I cant stand football tbh,i never belived id ever see an ass hole kick a pig around for 250000 a week lol

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oh,i didn't literally mean the football seasons over lol,thats what hunter Thompson wrote on his suicide note lol....I cant stand football tbh,i never belived id ever see an ass hole kick a pig around for 250000 a week lol

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
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Honestly, I may have 1 or 2 friends. ..maybe...I don't talk to my brother or parents. It's very hard for me to hold a job. Let's put it this way, ima wreck. I also have very different views on things and how the way shit should be. My body is in 2016 but my mind is stuck in 90s

 

I know I know I need help bad. Talking to someone makes me more pissed off though.

Substitute sister for brother and you just told my life. I just got lucky and got a job it's almost impossible to get fired from and violent outburst are actually just part of the day, we joke that we would never make it in the normal world. Edited by Mycobro
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You Could have been a roofer! You have all the Qualification! Got a screw loose, smoke weed and are not afraid of weight or heights!....lol....rw

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