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minnesmoker

Anthropophobia, Agoraphobia, and (extreme) Social Anxiety Disorder

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You Could have been a roofer! You have all the Qualification! Got a screw loose, smoke weed and are not afraid of weight or heights!....lol....rw

The roofers and steel workers are the only trades that we'll run with on a job. We know that we're the 3 that really have a suck job that you really have to work hard at. Thanks brother I'm sure we would have gotten along great on a roof. And yes definitely a screw rattling around in there lol!
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Being afraid of heights is silly...

 

Being afraid of mass acceleration (1.6M/s2) Oh, and of course the application of Newton's Laws of Motion, as pertaining to said mass acceleration problem, gravity, and the inevitable reintroduction of the planet's surface... That's some reasonable fear.

 

 

Also being afraid of applied statistical analysis, when working at heights either on a large single structure, or across multiple structures, makes perfect sense.

 

 

The problem: The human factor. The more workers, the greater the odds that a worker either unintentionally, or intentionally, incorrectly applied their trade, to the detriment of the structure's stability.

 

I remember that I used to study game theory.

 

----

 

I went through a good amount of shit, and have randomly talked about it. I will re-read this thread, and post an update. I'm much better. Not quite what I was, or could have been, but getting better daily. 

Edited by minnesmoker
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Good morning,

 

I just smoked a nice joint, skipped going to the doctor until after my therapy, and decided to update this a bit. I didn't re-read what I've previously written -- I see no real point in it. This is a forward looking update, not another rehash of my shit.

 

 

So, over the past few months, my seizures and muscle spasms have grown less frequent, the other day I had bad spasms, but no seizures. As I get out more, I can get out more... It's the trick to overcoming social anxiety, agoraphobia, and anthropophobia.

 

I'm working on putting a second resume together. I have a good gap in my resume, and switched industries quite dramatically. I went from working on computers in corporations, banks, cities, and for the feds to working to found and set up free-for-patients medical collectives. 

 

I heard someone describe me the other day: "You should stay on his good side, he's a very good person, but a very hard man." I didn't know how to take that second part, I pondered. It's true. I am, I am very rigid, but am working to relax that. It isn't a bad thing, either. It means that I don't take shit, but it also means i don't dish out shit. 

 

I remember, in the one of Kahlil Gibron's works, he talked about bamboo. The tall, hard bamboo broke when strong winds came, but the bamboo that branched, that flexed, it  bent to the wind, and didn't break.

 

 

I'm remembering. People that have met me (I'm thinking Llama, especially) were fascinated by how I could functionally travel the way I did, avoiding accident and incident, when I was quite bad. If you met me when I hadn't smoked, you'd have thought I was a tweaker, spun on meth. I had twitch tremors -- very different than my seizure/spasm tremors -- those measure at pulsed intervals, I've got to get a video of them for my doctor.  Well, the reason I could manipulate traffic without sleep in car, or on bike, in any weather, was game theory application.

 

Those of you that remember me from the very beginning, and from before that, on the other site, might remember when I burned my hand, and then when my health took a shit. Descent into the maelstrom, as it were, occurred rapidly, and during the transition from the bad site to here. I was struggling to get my memory back, but was blocking myself, under doctor's direction -- they had me on an HT5 antagonist, for 20 years. Simple little pink pill, you can get 40 for a buck, at the dollar store. Do some research before you reach for that Benadryl -- or generic equivalent Diphenhydramine! I was put on it when I was 19, for allergies and to help me sleep. For 20 years, doctors continued to advise me to take 25 Mg in the AM and 75 Mg in the PM.

 

The withdrawal from that, combined with my motorcycle accidents, and other personal shit that occurred, caused my non-specific muscular disorder. 

 

Anyway, I back in the beginning, I had a few threads going about Game Theory, maybe on the other site (probably, I read most of the threads here, took 4 months, before I posted.) Anyway, MIT has free online Game Theory research classes. Carnegie had lectures on game theory analysis and application, UCB had a number of online applied game theory lectures. 

 

Before my accidents, I studied game theory, from a programmer's perspective. Then, I wrote a heuristic model, a learning firewall, that used applied game theory to discover and block new attack vectors. It was in alpha when I crashed my bike, and my life went to shit. Didn't KNOW I had a traumatic brain injury, and my job at the time would have been jeopardized, if there was a question about my sustaining a brain injury. (I was dropped from a contract because of my knee injury. My cane presented a security risk, and my medical rehab schedule conflicted with the deployment schedules.) 

 

I sold my company, for enough money to take a leisurely teaching job. I was teaching stuff to people, that is all I can say. (Some non-disclosures come with a Leavenworth clause.) Then I got my DWI.

 

What's the point? Well, I tried to remember by relearning. Now, I remember taking, and retaking, the same classes. First time, I was in some of the lecture halls, auditing. 

 

I'm certain I can't go back into computers, the stress will be too much. I want back into corporate, though. I LIKED it. I enjoyed the hustle-n-bustle schedule, the constant learning, the ever changing maps of alignment... 

 

So, I'm looking at either getting my Series 7 certification, or my ISO 9001 QA management certification (or whatever's superseded it, it's been 8 years!) 

 

The nightmares have stopped.

 

Anyway, a brief wrap. I'm getting better, it's a process -- and will continue. 

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I woke up at 3:28. I had to smoke a bowl because I was having an anxiety attack. Everything is going excellent. Wonderfully. Seriously, I am at an amazing fuckin' place.

 

I am also at a place where I can only  do 1 of 2 things. I can pursue Diva, which is pretty much the one thing in life I desire and want. In order to do that, I have to figure out a career path that doesn't include computers, engineering, or research, and can't be in legal. Why? Because I can't get a job in any of those, here. So, I can go back to where I left off -- a little behind -- or, I can pursue the one woman that I know makes me happy, just being around her. 

 

I know money doesn't buy happiness. I've had it. It bought 800 dollar bottles of Scotch, it bought 21 year old girlfriends, it bought fast cars... But, I got a DWI in my drop top because I'd had a couple glasses of Scotch on St. Patrick's Day, my 21 year old girlfriend went out clubbing and got drunk, and I had to go pick her up... (.083 "If you hadn't tried to bribe me, I'd probably not write ya' on this." Thanks dick, if you'd taken the thousand dollars, and got your wife some lingerie, you might get a blowjob once in a while.)

 

We're looking back, assessing the damages, what I went through, piecing together the last few years -- that will be a bit easier thanks to The Haven -- I kept some notes around here. When I went to hang with joe mac he called me on the phone. (Bare with me!) We had never spoken on the phone -- only through a few sporadic texts over the past couple years, as he played backup guardian angel to me, for Diva. (Or, was he really Diva's guardian angel and we just didn't realize it?) Anyway, he gave me a call, and we talked for a good 6 hours. I was tired, can't recall a lot of the conversation -- I did ask that question I've asked every new person from here that I meet "You planning on killing me? Just askin', a polite head's up type thing." The significance of that 6 hour conversation can be articulated best by llama or DK or wayne or sharky though. 

 

I remember back when I signed up here -- and back on the other site. I was working a lot, smoking a lot of pot, and the mental hadn't quite gone over. I think I saved my own life, with the marijuana. It protects the brain, literally shields it from damaging plaque associated with CTE. That's a big deal, since I had a couple other aggravating issues. Back when I left Minnesota with Diva, I was getting bad, the seizures were up, the memory loss was starting. The anxiety and paranoia were really kicking in to high gear. 

 

Diva's daughter helped make my recovery possible. It was a simple conversation about a stupid little pink pill. We both took them, same dosage, our doctors had both told us to, hers 5 years prior, mine 19 years prior. That pill? Benadryl. Or the generic equivalent. 25Mg in the AM (for allergies they said.) and 75Mg at night (for sleep.) There's a big problem with that shit. There is little published research about the long term effects of it -- but if you look into it, you will find some. At 100 Mg per day, it creates "dementia-like symptoms," with long term exposure. Long term (the 3 studies I read) was under 3 years. Our doctors told us, over and over, to take that shit. Anyway, I was here, but not posting when I started my getting worse to get better by getting off that shit. It masked, just like marijuana masked. I had to get worse, so that my brain could repair itself. It's been a hell of a trip.

 

All of my memories, from about 17 months on, are falling into place now. It's as bad as the spotty memories hinted, but it's nothing I can't walk away from. As my cognitive function continues to improve, I understand more, and can think of other things. Not dwell on the bad. Not try to remember the good, but look forward to today. 

 

Another crazy thing that I've gotten: emotions. Seriously, I cry like a bitch. Waaah, I love you, Waaah, I was hurt, Waaah I'm scared and am acknowledging it. I didn't have emotions. I mean, obviously I did, but they weren't present. Not that I have remembered yet. They came back, in a rush, over the past few months. Sharky and Joe saw me break down. Empathy overwhelming me. Sadness SUCKS! I understand depression, but being sad is just shitty! Happiness, it's like an orgasm without having to apologize for not pulling out... Hope is like anxiety, but with less stress, and a fuck ton more optimism! 

 

Emotions have pushed me into a dark scary place a couple times -- a place I've never been before, hopelessness and absolute fear and self loathing. Emotions also pulled me out, though. Barely, but they did. 

 

I didn't really talk about the beginning of my medical adventure. It's been almost exactly 1 year since they offered me the hospice pain package. That's the comfort package with 3 opiates, 2 barbiturates, an antispasmodic, and of course a couple sleeping, waking up, and just to feel good pills. I've got pamphlets of papers with FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU scribbled on them. "Terminal Patient Prescribing Directions."  I skipped my lung MRI. It was just a bit too much, after all the other shit, and the hospice drugs offered me. I resigned myself to get better or get dead. Toss of the proverbial coin.

 

In retrospect, I think it was my fault Diva left. It was my fault she didn't actually know what I was going through. I was afraid she'd leave if she knew, she thought I had become the ultimate asshole, and left. It's my fault that I went through it alone, because I hid it from her. I didn't let her know what it was like, or what was really happening, until it was much too late. I've apologized, and thanked her, she's my fallen guardian angel. 

 

Anyway, an update. It's an introspective. Helping with the anxiety of happiness. Now, I can watch the sun rise over the beautiful mountains, knowing in a couple hours I'll get a hug and a smile, as the world keeps spinning.

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Love is the only thing in this world that is good. All else is vanity. Your in my thoughts and prayers brother!

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I'm a social misfit. I've never gotten it. I've never been diagnosed by I believe I'm a aspie. I was listening to NPR one week when they were doing a special on asperbergers(totally butchered that word). It's like a final piece of the puzzle fit together. I've just never been able to fit in. Even at work I'm alone in a corner, but now I'm in the dark corner with a ray of light that is this place. Stoner Haven has been really good for me. I'm sure I still come across awkward, but I have a pause and delay for my thoughts. We had a huge Christmas party at the shop, bonus were given out, so much fresh food some of the Mexican's wives made and more, laughter and carrying on was a good time for everyone. I was there 3 minutes before getting the hell out of there, it was a horrible anxious feeling followed by dreed and guilt because I'm a way and I don't know how to be any other way. I've learned to be a idiot, because everyone loves the idiot. Abbott and Costello, ren and stimpy...

I don't know where I'm going with this just felt this was a good place for whatever it is.

No man is a island, but the ocean don't give a shit. Glad to find myself in an Archipelago.

Edited by Mycobro
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I'm an ISTJ.

 

So it said.

Would make sense why you grow such good looking weed. Never heard of it before today.
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Would make sense why you grow such good looking weed. Never heard of it before today.

Yeah, basic online tests..took 2 different ones with same type. ..I read through it all ...seems more than 90% accurate.

 

I'd really love to take a legit test of the MBTI personality test.

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I did the same with the aspie test, reckon I'm a high functioning autistic. I'm lucky, could have been bad. I have laser focus, just can't zero in on the target lol. I would love to really know what's rattling around up there though. Hope you can get your test done and everything goes well for you brother.

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Thanks, I hope things go well too...because they're not. ..this yr is sucking hard for me so far

 

 

 

True though lol

 

post-2507-0-30078500-1484611151_thumb.jpg

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You nailed it, I feel like that a lot. I wasn't as bad when I was younger. The older I get the worse it seems. Like this post, I've been poking and erasing for 10 minutes unsure about pretty much everything. I use body language to know what people are thinking, because verbal is not a good que for me. I'll either miss something obvious to anyone else or will come out with something totally inappropriate or completely wrong. This place has helped because I have no visual ques and I'm able pause and think before I say. Still screw up I'm sure.mushrooms help me and I'm about due for a 6 month tune-up so to speak. Get a total rewire and reboot plus ego death, and deal with internal trauma issues in 4 hours. Can be hellish at times but your forced to face your demons straight on no escape. Sounds awful but very therapeutic for me.

Hope this is a good year for you.

Edited by Mycobro
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